The Less Dull FAQs

Questions seldom asked, paired with occasionally-related answers

When I was seven, I played piccolo in the Latvian Defense Ministries Outreach Program, but you need to understand that there are no ‘bad’ peanut butter cookie recipes. Please consider a psychologist.

Strange that you should ask! When I was nine, while I was on sabbatical (from Princeton, where I was struggling to earn my PhD in molecular mechanics) I was coordinating relief efforts in sub-Saharan countries. My co-coordinator, Marie Curie (who briefly returned from the dead for this worthy cause) told me that she had a dream in which I was asked precisely your question!

Please refrain from asking multiple questions. Doing so confuses me. In fact, I’ve been confused since I was eleven, back when I was still in charge of NASA, although nobody I knew gave a hoot. Why would they? I’m asking: why would they?

I would tell you, but back when I was thirteen the DoD gave me clear instructions on what would happen to my family if I so much as brought attention to the…

Ah, heck. There goes another brother. See what you’ve done?

Lucky you! Yours will be the first question I answer once we get back from vacation! But before I read your question, you need to hear this! We’re going back to Angkor Wat, which I discovered when I was only fifteen–and get this–while searching for the original Bigfoot! Isn’t that interesting? Oh heck, I have to trim my toenails, but I’ll read your question as soon as possible–unless I forget! Ha ha ha!

Oh, that’s okay. In fact, when I was 17 I contracted a rare disease known as the Koman Kolt, although I might not be spelling it properly. Anyway, while I was in the hospital I met a Romanian woman who spoke no English, so not only did I have to fabricate the answers, but I also had to make up the questions. A gruelling 3 weeks, I can tell ya!